Q: Will I ever stop wondering what my life would have been like if my first husband didn't die?  I'm remarried and have three beautiful children - but sometimes I just wonder.  - Josephine

A:  If you are involved in frequent thoughts of "what if," if you are obsessing about what path your life would have taken had your first husband not died, it could be a signal that some aspect of your current circumstances (relationships, career path, lifestyle.....) is in need of addressing.  If you find yourself simply wondering about the "what ifs" once in awhile, you may be using the thoughts to put some current experience in perspective by countering something negative with something positive.  You may then also find yourself  taking note of how awful it would be to have missed some joyous experience your children and husband currently provide.  Obsessing needs addressing;  wondering can be a healthy psychological balancer.

The grieving process , when a dealth is at a young age, often involves thoughts not just about the loss of the person but also about the loss of life expectations.  You may never stop wondering - just be sure to use those thoughts for the balance they can offer.  I hope your memories are happy.  I hope you can enjoy sharing those memories with the people you love.

Question:

Is it better to stay married for the children then get divorced?  - Natalie
 
Answer:

Between 1970 and 2000 our society experienced what the literature refers to as The Divorce Revolution.  The predominant mind-set  of the adults was:  I deserve to be happy and my marriage is not  fullfilling me.  Divorce was often about the adults only.  Rationalizations about children being resiliant and better off if both parents were happy in their new circumstances , were common.  The current thinking based on ever-growing research (and I assuredly agree after 25 years  of counseling families and adults  of divorced parents) is:  when the parents can partner, when there is no abuse , when the household runs decently well, it is better for the children for the marriage to remain in tack.  Children need security and when their parents' marriage is not enriching but it works well enough, it is in the children's best interest to stay put.  Remember:  marriages just like individuals, go through phrases - it would be short sighted to end the intact family system if the unhappy couple is going through a phrase.  At minimum explore options - do some counseling.
 
 
Question:

Why can't I stay happy in a relationship for more than two years?  I swear, something inside me just switches off like clockwork after the two-year mark. - Gretel
 
 
Perhaps two years as a timespan has a signifigance on less than the conscious level that signals danger for you.  Or maybe it takes two years for you to know a guy well enough to be positive the relationship doesn't have longer term potential.  If the relationship is fine for two years and then you realize you are sabotaging it or simply walking away from it, you need to open a discussion of the situation with the person involved.  You may then learn more about what the problem is.  If consideration with the other party proves unfruitful, check in with friends or even counseling. You've got the first step of the problem labeled:  the two year anniversary. The next step is to determine is there an underlying issue  or is this the time it takes to conclude a relationship that doesn't'have potential.  You've started the figuring-it-out.  Keep going.
 
 
Question:

As the thing that really winds me up is the vile and ungracious behaviour of my partner's children (having brought up my own two with no support) my question would be:  "As a Buddhist, as someone who teaches life improvement and works one to one with women suffering from low self esteem, depression, etc. and successfully, how can you help me to come to terms with these two individuals who bring bad energy and bad behaviour into my house, knowing that if I am to marry their father this has to be resolved beforehand. - Jackie
 
The first step is, of course, discussing the distressed environment created by the children with your partner.  Together you need to help the children learn more positive ways of behaving (maybe eventually of thinking).  Depending on the children's ages, you verbalize what would work better, you model the same, you engage them in figuring out healthier ways.  If the dynamic between them is where the acting out is happening, work with one at a time.  If there is no change happening, you and your partner decide and announce what is acceptable and not, along with the consequences.  Children don't like being troublesome and distressing simply for its own sake;  they are addressing their own  experiences and thoughts through the coping mechanisms that  have evolved.  These children need your help.

Approaching the problems first with you partner will also provide opportunities to learn how to work best with each other for life's bumps and bruises in the future,
  

Good luck to all four of you! - Cathy
 

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