Q: What is your advice on checking accounts for when you get married? I’d like to keep my own checking account, as well as have a joint account. What’s the best way for me to discuss this with my spouse?

A: Communicate: ask your husband what he thinks about it. If your preferences are different, the solution will be a compromise. Since this subject is anticipated to be a difficult one to discuss, tell your husband you want to talk about something you think will be tough and ask when will be a good time for him. There should be no subject a healthy relationship can’t discuss.

December 2008 Issue

Q. What's the best way to handle someone who never admits when they are wrong? My boss is one of these people. I've tried talking to her about different things she's said or done that I felt was inappropriate. Her standard response, "I said/did that?" She denies saying or doing the things I bring to her attention, which only adds to my frustration. She also never apologizes. Is it best to just accept that this is the way she is and let things slide, or should I still try talking to her about things?

A. The key for you is to be confident that you handled a problem appropriately; that you were assertive without being aggressive. A boss who refuses ownership of past statements and actions has a problem. If his/her problem affects your ability to do your job well, try paraphrasing or clarifying as situations arise. For example: “Let me be sure I understand what you’ve said” or “so you are saying…” To agree or disagree with what you respond, will hold your boss more responsible. Remember too, the boss may have a hidden agenda of getting a rise out of you. Usually people who don’t apologize have self-confidence problems.

Q. How do I get control over my shopping habit? I shop whenever I am sad, or I see somebody with better clothes. I don’t have the income to afford this kind of habit. I recognize my problem and sometimes do very well, but then I’ll go on a shopping frenzy one night and spend a few hundred bucks. It’s like depriving me from chocolate, then binging one day! What do I do?

A. Compulsive spending is different from using shopping to relieve stress or anxiety. It takes your mind off whatever has cause the stress; the same as browsing through a bookstore or card shop. Because you can sometimes manage the need to shop and you recognize part of it is about competitiveness, your habit is most likely related to some unaddressed issue. If you can determine what that issue is and address it directly, the shopping habit will change. Meanwhile try behavior modification: think shop—don’t buy; don’t carry any plastic or checks and little cash; consider it entertainment and not about acquisition. If these do not work, return the merchandise when you feel back in control.

Q. My co-workers always celebrate birthdays. When it’s somebody’s birthday everybody always brings in treats. I didn’t want treats brought in for my birthday because I have been watching what I eat. I told everybody that I did not want them, and not one person listened. So here I am with all these treats that I do not want!  I know they are trying to be nice, but I was serious. I feel bad that I am really annoyed, but I knew I wouldn’t have the willpower to not eat the junk when it’s right in my face all day long. So why do I feel so angry? And how can I handle this next time so they actually listen?

A. Next time tell your co-workers you have a problem: when treats are in front of you, you eat. Talk about using something other than treats to celebrate birthdays; buy you a sandwich for lunch, donate a dollar to the charity of your choice, bring funny cards…most likely you are not the only one who would prefer no caloric temptations in the office. You anger is about losing control despite attempting a solution. If your next attempt doesn’t work, remove the treats from your sight, and then your co-workers will get it.

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