August 2008 Issue

Question:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about five months, and he just proposed to me. Is this too soon to make this kind of decision? Right now, I’m madly in love and happy, but I’m a little nervous to make this commitment so soon.

Answer:

Unless you knew your boyfriend for a long time before you started to date him, five months is too short of a time to know him well enough to commit to marriage. One year is a more likely time frame with another year of engagement before the wedding day. You are wise to be tentative after just five months.

Question:

I’m 31 and single. I’ve been dating a few guys. I spend more time with one guy than I do the other. I haven’t spoken to the guy I really like about being exclusive and not seeing other people; however, I feel guilty when I date other guys! While I feel guilty, I really enjoy my time with the guy I’m not as in to, but have concerns about a future with him. I don’t know what to do. I like the one a lot, and I’m interested in the other—even though I have a feeling it won’t work, I can’t stop communicating with him. Do I continue to date both without telling either one of them?

Answer:

It seems your mindset is: date only one guy at a time or you’re doing something wrong. If you think the men in your life expect the same, discuss it with them. You’ll clear your guilty conscience and establish yourself as honest and sensitive. Keep in mind that you can have fun with a guy you would never choose as a spouse.

Question:

I found out that my best friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her. Is it my place to tell her? If my boyfriend were cheating on me, I would expect my friends to let me know. What is the best decision to make here?

Answer:

Use your own preference as your guide. Tell your friend that if your boyfriend were cheating on you, you’d want your friends to tell you and ask her if she feels the same way. That way she is part of the decision-making and you are not risking the friendship.

Question:

I was sexually harassed at my office. As soon as I had the chance to tell my boss, I did. I had asked for something to be said confidentially. I asked for a reminder email to go out, but that didn’t happen. Things went too far with my boss not handling it the way I asked her too. She said I had to address the male that had sexually harassed me. How is that right?  All and all, it’s over with, but I am so angry that I have been with the company for four years and never have complained. Then I do, and don’t have the support I wanted. I really want to let somebody know how I was not happy with the way my boss handled it, but I have nobody to go to. What do I do?

Answer:

Under federal and state law, sexual harassment in the work place is illegal. When an incident is reported the employer is required to do a “rapid and thorough investigation” and take immediate action. If your boss is the final authority it may be time to look for another job. You do have some options, and doing something will help dissipate your anger. You can have your attorney write a letter to your employer, you can report the situation to the equal employment commission; you can discuss it with people you trust. It is not though your role to confront the harasser.