By Ashley S.
I had a realization the other day. Not a major epiphany, but an idea that's been floating in my head for a few weeks and months. Then it just occurred to me one morning with my body frustration.
I will always weigh about 145 pounds, except for in the future when I'm pregnant, (assuming I lose the baby weight). In high school I fluctuated between like 145 – 155 pounds. I think at my skinniest, sophomore year, I was about 138, and at my heaviest I think was 160.
Now, every day I weigh myself (at different points in the day so it's obviously never consistent), and I am always between 143.8 – 148.3 no matter what I do. Therefore, I made a conscious decision to accept the fact that it doesn't matter how much I weigh. What matters is that I am exercising and doing good things for my body. I am getting healthier and stronger each and every day. I feel beautiful and sexy in my own skin most days.
Of course I don't always feel sexy, but when I look at myself in the mirror I try to find ONE thing I do like and appreciate. This is MY body, my only body, so I have to accept it for what it is. Some days I only like my boobs. Other days it's my leg muscles or my hair.
The big "a-ha" acceptance moment was that little thought that told me I don't have to care about how much I weigh, there's no reason to. I will unfortunately weigh more than my boyfriend (he's so damn skinny), but he certainly doesn't care about my weight. He he accepts me and loves me, why shouldn't I?
Accepting my natural weight actually made me feel good about myself after a recent zumba class. I was standing in the locker room with two women. One my age, who just had a baby, but you'd never know it and one probably in her 40s and in pretty good shape. They were going on about how the zumba teacher must have made us work off five pounds during the class. The younger chick hops on the scale and starts MOANING about how she just can't seem to lose her baby weight. How she's been working out every day since she could start and her weight won't budge and the older woman starts commiserating with her about how even now she still couldn't lose that last five pounds. It seems every woman is always talking about "if I could just lose those last five pounds".
As I stood there listening, I realized that *I*, FOR ONCE, didn't feel that way. I tried piping up and saying that I'd pretty much weighed the same for years but that I felt like I looked my best now, even on "squishy" days. They kind of just ignored me and kept complaining about their perfectly normal, healthy-looking bodies.
I left the gym feeling free after that. I don't think my body is perfect and I usually hate my stomach (what woman doesn't?), but I don't feel like my attractiveness is defined by a number. I don't think anyone's is. I've accepted the fact that my comfortable body weight rests around 145. I still weigh myself mostly out of curiosity, but I don't feel defeated by the numbers staring at me like I used to and like these women so obviously did.
I know its not a big thing, but I feel like in some ways it is a minor triumph. So many women are trying to reach that "goal weight" and sometimes it's just five pounds. In those cases, where we're just trying to lose 5 – 10 pounds, I think we should focus more on eating healthier, making healthier choices, and how we feel in our clothes.
We should focus LESS on what the scale says. Cause in the end, who cares? I feel so much better about my body having accepted it for what it is and for loving it for what it is capable of. Just this morning I did a headstand in yoga class for the first time. Am I as skinny as my instructor? No. But my body is on its way to doing what hers can do and I love it for that!
