A Mental Lap Dance

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Written by Dava Krause

Dava Krause is an Identity Staff Writer, but a comedian first. She has dedicated her time to provide Identity readers with some laughter in their lives. We don’t always have to be serious, so unwind with a laugh from time to time with Dava and Identity.

By Dava Krause

Guys go to strip clubs because it turns them on. I get it. But when I went to a male strip club I wasn’t turned on. I was hysterical. I swear I never laughed so hard.   It wasn’t sexy, it was hilarious. Foreplay for me is not some creepily over-cut, greased -up monkey wagging his waxed balls in my face. Foreplay for me is all about flattery. Oh yeah, compliment my brains out.

“You’re gorgeous. I came over here because I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.”   That’s my version of a lap dance.

Unfortunately, my husband is not the most generous with positive feedback. That’s my nice way of saying I practically have to beg for a compliment. I recently bought these super hot four-inch open-toe heels. I thought for sure he would say something. Oh, he did.   He was like, “You don’t know how to walk without falling down in regular shoes, how are you supposed to walk in those?” “Don’t you think they make my legs look sexy?” I said. “Not when they’re cut up and bleeding after you’ve wiped out and fell on your ass.”

Last weekend when I went to my college reunion I was surrounded by a gaggle of gays from my acting class and I got my fix. As I was packing, I consciously picked my hottest jeans, my cutest tops and my most fabulous bags because I knew they’d be notice. At this point, for my husband I’d throw on some make-up. But for my gay boyfriends? I got a Brazilian Blown Out.

I’ve heard people say that women don’t dress to impress men but rather dress to impress other women. I don’t know if that’s true. I find it difficult to compliment another woman without feeling jealous or competitive and often a comment like, “have you lost weight?” is followed by a silent “bitch” to oneself.

Was there a shortage of Cavemen in ancient times so all the cave women in the village had to cut other women down to get a date and this impulse has been passed down in our human DNA?   Or is it our current culture that somehow makes us women think, “Your beauty, wealthy, success and achievement takes away from mine?”

I don’t have an answer, but I want to stop all that here and now. And I don’t want to wait for the new year to make the change. I want to start TODAY and recognize the greatness and beauty of other women. I want the greatness and beauty of others to push me to achieve my personal best. I want it to turn me on. Not in a sexual way, but in an inspirational way.   A regenerative way. An expansive way. A way in which I can spark and be sparked. Grow and facilitate growth. Let’s get impressed with ourselves. And if there’s time, a really good Brazilian blow out can feel pretty good too.

About the author

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Dava Krause

Dava Krause is a national touring stand-up comic, writer and actress with a recurring role on House, M.D on FOX. She also appeared on the spin-off In House appisode “Nurse Jeffery” featured on iTunes. Hugh Laurie said she had a “brilliant comedic face.” Her debut comedy rock album, “Child of the 80’s” is now available on over 300 websites including iTunes and Amazon and can be heard on XM Satellite’s Radio. In Los Angeles, Dava performs stand-up regularly at The Hollywood Improv, The Ice House and on Tom Arnold’s show “Laughing with the Stars” at The Laugh Factory. She also produces and hosts a monthly show in Hollywood featuring some of the top musical comics in the business called “Hotel Comedy.” Dava is a National Voice Over artist that can be heard in video games and radio and television commercials nationwide.