Intimate Q&A: Getting the Most Out of Your Relationship (Mar. – Jun. 2012)

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Written by TeamIdentity

Relationships can be complicated. Identity wants to help relieve some of the stress by answering your questions. Lisa Velazquez has the answers you may need in order to figure out everything that your relationship or your sex life may throw your way.

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Lisa Velazquez


I met a guy about two months ago at my best friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party. He seemed pretty cool (not to mention he’s cute and has a great body). We had a good conversation and he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Now we’ve been texting each other ever since. He sent me a text message inviting me to meet for drinks. I decided to go and I had such a good time talking to him that one thing just led to another and we had sex. But now this seems to be the routine where he’ll text me, we meet up for drinks and then we end up having sex. It’s either his apartment or mine (whichever is closer). I love spending time with him and the sex is great. I just want to know, why haven’t we gone on a real date? And what can I do to make that happen? – Tanya, 34


I know this is hard to hear, but you’re a “booty text” to him. When you meet him for drinks, that’s just the way he sets up the mood to seduce you. Ladies, when we do this to ourselves, all I can say is, don’t hate the “player,” hate the game, because that’s what he’s running on you: game. He sees no reason to step up his game to impress you, since you gave up a huge chunk of your mystery the first time you both met up for drinks. You already gave him the green light to continue this behavior and require nothing from him to earn your time, or the benefits that come with it. Trust me, I understand that you really like him, but that is the sole reason you need to slow your roll with this guy.

Basically, those are the reasons that you have not gone on a real date with this guy. You need to understand if you were interested in really dating this guy or any other guy for that matter, only communicating via text and consistently accepting invites only to meet for drinks is not the way to go. Since his needs are being met, he’s just not going to change or complain. Hey, I wouldn’t, Would you?

To answer your second question, you need to ask a good friend or a trusted colleague to set you up on date or go out and meet someone else. You really need to remember that there are other fish in the sea and break this routine, because something tells me this is a pattern for you with men. 
Also, when he sends you a text to meet up, don’t respond right away. When you do, text him “thanks, but I have a date tonight.” And make sure that you do! Don’t sit at home wishing you could be with him. You should be out with some friends or on a real date (with someone else). If he texts you the rest of the evening and asks you to meet him later that night (and I bet he will), ignore all the messages. You need to teach him that a man who takes you on a real date gets your full attention (while you maintain the mystery). He’s already had too much of your time. Raise your standards, before he turns YOU down for a “booty text” for a woman he asked on a real date.


After five years of casual dating, I have finally met a guy that I feel is right for me. I’ve been dating him exclusively for over two-and-a-half months (which is a HUGE change for me). He’s a great guy and it’s been really cool getting to know each other. We’re both really attracted to each other and FINALLY had sex last week (Hey, I even bought condoms all on my own that night!) He seemed intrigued… Yesterday, we met for lunch where he asked me to be his girlfriend and I happily said yes. But I started to think about my single past and all the casual sex I had. It wasn’t anything really crazy. I was just single for such a long time! I wonder how he would feel about it. I don’t want to lose him by lying. I want to be honest with him. What should do? Do you think I should tell him about my past? Or should I keep those things to myself? — Joanne, 29


First and foremost, I think everything about how you approached this new relationship is fantastic! It has a great flow that seems to have worked quite well for the both of you. In fact, you bought a box of condoms the first time you had sex with him and a week later he asked you to be his girlfriend…HELLO! Why are you conjuring up ways to self-sabotage? The first thing you should do is tell yourself that you are worthy of love and happiness. You need to understand that and from what I have read about this guy, he knows who you are and he is into it all. This is why he chose to be in a committed relationship with you.

Sometimes our past can be a right of passage to discover who we are and what we want in love. Hey, your path led you to a great guy. I don’t recommend that you fill him in about the details of your casual sex life (unless you had sex with his best friend or a relative, then you should tell him). It’s not like you were pretending to be a virgin! You can tell him about your last committed relationship, but those sexual experiences are best kept private. Men don’t want to hear stories of their girlfriend having sex with another man (that’s not a picture they want in their heads).
 Overall, you do not have to lie to him or be someone you’re not. However, you are entitled to your privacy and he should respect this about you. You should respect yourself enough to know that you deserve it. Remember, you are still getting to know each other.

What I would recommend to you is what I tell all sexually active women (single or in a relationship), please keep using latex condoms. Also, tell your new boyfriend that you want to get tested together for STD/HIV/AIDS (now and three months after) just to know each other’s status. It’s a great way to show respect for each other. The most important thing for the both of you is to be safe. After all he’s got a past too.


I’ve been dating a guy for about four weeks. He’s a very successful lawyer and works long hours. He’s not the best looking guy, but he’s really nice to me. We’ve been having sex since the third date and it has been really awkward. I don’t know, it’s just not working for me. But I gave it another try on our last date, because I thought it might get better. This time I was nervous, because I just wanted to get it over with and I didn’t want him to notice. We’ve already gone on seven dates and I am going out with him next weekend. He’s been flirting with me sexually and I am so not into it. How can I tell him the sex is bad? What should I say? —Beth, 25


Let’s put the bad sex aside for a second. I am going to rip off the band-aid with this scenario. Why are you dating this guy? You don’t seem to be attracted to him! In fact, I am pretty sure that is why the sex is so awkward. I’m sure if you were attracted to him that you would have already taken some initiative during the sex. The first thing that you mentioned was his successful career as a lawyer, then you put down his looks, yet he has spent just about two days per week of his free time with you! And now you have plans to see him again? Why are you torturing yourself?

What scares me about this scenario right now is that I think you would marry this guy (if given the opportunity) just because he’s a lawyer! And you know you would be miserable, emotionally and sexually. This poor guy is genuinely interested in you and you’re only with him for his career status! You need to do some soul searching to figure out why you’re so infatuated with his career instead of the person on the inside.
 I highly recommend that you cancel your date this weekend and ask him to meet you for coffee. When you meet with him in your most compassionate voice say this:

“I think you’re great guy and I’ve had a wonderful time getting to know you. But I need to be honest with you. I really don’t feel a connection between us. I think that it would be best if we stop seeing each other. I am really sorry. But I know you deserve a woman in your life that feels the same way you do about her and I don’t want to get in the way of you meeting her.”

Then let him speak and when he’s done tell him that you have to go, give him a kiss on the cheek, then leave. Ladies, this is the truth. Just like I would advise a woman to leave a man that is wasting her time, I believe a woman should show a man the same respect and stop taking the space reserved for his dream girl.


Do most, some, or very few women orgasm without direct stimulation (self stim, male’s pubic bone) of the clitoris during love making? – Gail, 35


Thank you so much for this question, Gail! I am happy to dispel a horrible myth regarding the female orgasm, which is, if a woman is unable to achieve an orgasm through vaginal intercourse she is not sexually mature or something is terribly wrong with her, because she cannot achieve an orgasm from “the mighty penis” alone (sarcastically speaking).

To answer you question, according to a national study conducted by the Journal of Sexual Medicine published in October, 2010, “Women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sexual acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included”. Furthermore, according to research conducted by Dr. Gail Saltz, “Only 20-percent of women are able to orgasm with intercourse alone, most women need some sort of direct clitoral stimulation.”

Basically, it is a proven fact, time and time, that women need variety within their sexual activity to achieve an orgasm. Remember, the best way to approach this is to educate your sexual partner on what helps stimulate your sexual arousal. Just have fun on the path to your orgasm together!


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