Divorce — AKA — The D Spot.
Welcome to The D Spot’s Sponsored “Extraordinary Love” Column. Our company values our community and believes that it is important to continue to support one another. Each month a woman from The D Spot community will be featured and sharing her story in hopes to inspire you to continue to have extraordinary love or to find and receive extraordinary love. If you have any questions or concerns, please contact Laura at The D Spot.
Getting to know Heather, her story and how The D Spot community has supported her after her divorce!
Please share your marriage/divorce story and how you found The D Spot Community?
I found the D Spot via a wonderful article Laura wrote that was published on The Huffington Post. It was smart, on the spot, and led me to her website. I ordered her “Divorce Organizer” — regretfully 6 months too late as I was in over my head 60% through my divorce.
My marriage and it’s demise is actually quite simple: I was young (23), naïve, from a small rural town in Ohio, and quite happy to become a foot soldier for my boss’s boss’s boss at work. My husband was this man, and a Westpoint USMA grad, a Special Forces officer, and 10 years my senior. He was a force to be reckoned with, and continues to be one to this day! After my turning 40, 8 moves, considerable career success on my part, 3 children, and getting my legs under me and understanding how “life works”, I realized there were definite problems with my marriage and issues of mental illness. After a knock on the door from Child Protective Services, therapy, and the understanding of what constitutes abuse, I was done. 17 years was more than enough.
2. How has The D Spot Community helped you move through difficult times?
With every end, comes a beginning. With every death, comes a birth or re-birth. Even in nature, a tree or dead animal fertilizes to provide for new beginnings. The D Spot helped me understand what those new beginnings could be. While I had the chutzpah to get through the divorce and the intellectual prowess to protect myself financially — I had no idea emotionally, socially, and personally what life looks and feels like post-divorce. Laura’s guidance helped me analyze, plan, and build what that should be for me and my family.
3. What advice would you give to a woman that may be going through a divorce?
1.) Begin with the end in mind! How you divorce sets the tone for how you will co-parent and how you will do everything with your ex in the future. An “attack dog” attorney will only drain you emotionally and financially. Mediation is kinder on you, your children, your ex, and your pocketbook! Take 6 months to a year to prepare prior to announcing and proceeding with your divorce so that you can get all of your ducks in a row to make the process easier, cheaper, and less painful. (If you are lucky enough to be the one calling it over!)
2.) Treat yourself like you would treat your daughter. If you don’t — no one else will! If it isn’t good enough for how you would want your daughter treated — it certainly isn’t good enough for you either!
3.) WORK OUT PHYSICALLY EVERY DAY TO MAINTAIN YOUR SANITY! Put down the wine, and pound the pavement. Your body, your mind, and those around you will thank you!
4. What has been your biggest achievement through this process?
Realizing with absolute certainty that I MATTER, I COUNT, I AM VALUABLE, and I AM AMAZING! Every purchase, decision, commitment, and time spent is now centered around celebrating my precious and special life.
5. What were your initial steps into making the decision to fight for extraordinary love in your life?
I am taking baby steps in this department. I needed time to heal and to finally figure out for the first time in my life what actually feels good. I have reconnected with a friend from 3rd grade on, and am experimenting with what feels good. (Safety is the sexiest word in the human language.) I know that I am not ready for extraordinary love until I fully heal from my past, and I am divorced only 8 months right now. I think I will need at least a full year to heal.
What I do know is that random dating, nameless hook-ups, bar hopping, and internet dating is not for me. I value myself and my time far too much to delve into such a waste of energy and surround myself with desperate people with questionable motives. I tend to attract people to me, but I am far more selective now on with whom I accept “dates”.
Daytime dates of an hour or two with no expectations are now my requirement with anyone I don’t know. I doubt I would do an evening date without at least 3 or more daytime dates. I am precious and special — and I will make sure I am treated as such. If a guy wants a hook-up, go get it elsewhere and being in LA — there is plenty out there!
Identity Magazine is all about empowering women to get all A’s in the game of life — Accept. Appreciate. Achieve.TM Every contributor and expert answer the Identity 5 questions in keeping with our theme. As a team, we hope to inspire and motivate ourselves and inspire you to get all A’s.
1. What have you accepted in your life that took time, physically or mentally?
I am living with the onset of an auto immune disorder — and I have fully learned the affects of stress. I have learned how to protect my body with exercise, nutrition, rest, and meditation/ positive affirmations. My disorder is in remission and it is important for me to keep it that way! I have fully changed how I approach life physically and mentally! I invest my time, money, and energy into taking care of myself so that I can be the best to those around me.
2. What do you appreciate about yourself and within your life?
I am an amazing survivor. My 2 mottos in life are now: 1.) “There are no victims, there are volunteers.” 2.) “Passion is Purpose”. When I take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I don’t have the stress and problems that plagued my last 15 years. Instead I have clarity, purpose, and POWER! And I’m really a fun, engaging person! I have changed over 80% of my friends in the past two years.
3. What is one of your most rewarding achievements in life? What goals do you still have?
My most rewarding achievements in life are Nicholas (12), Nathan (9), and Jessica (6). My goals include personal development, to live a life that leaves a valuable legacy, and to HAVE FUN! I hope to always stay curious and adventurous!
4. What is your not-so-perfect way? What imperfections and quirks create your Identity?
I am an identical twin, and she will always come first. My children are second, so everyone else is third. That may be tough for some to swallow, but that is reality. I require balance, and order — so do not clutter my space with junk — physically or emotionally. If you don’t work out at least 5 days a week, we aren’t going to have too much in common. I don’t understand or tolerate those who don’t take care of themselves. Finally, I celebrate daily with positive affirmations, and closely monitor my “self speak”. If you are negative or critical in your approach to life, we aren’t going to spend time together.
5. How would you complete the phrase “I Love My…?”
I Love my MYSELF, LIFE, RECOVERY, CHILDREN, FAMILY, TWIN, SEXY BODY, FRIENDS, COOKING, SKIING, PILATES, GREAT STATE OF CALIFORNIA, OPPORTUNITIES, FINANCIAL STABILITY I HAVE CREATED FOR MYSELF, JOIE DE VIVRE!
