Better You, Better Sex

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Written by Cassia L. Rainne

What do you love most about yourself? Your silky hair or maybe your beautiful eyes. Join author Cassia Rainne as she shares “Better You, Better Sex.”

What do you love most about yourself? Your silky hair or maybe your beautiful eyes. Join author Cassia Rainne as she shares “Better You, Better Sex.”

Written by Cassia L. Rainne

Better you, better sex. This should be simple. The more you love yourself, the more you trust yourself, and the more you will be able to trust yourself to lower those walls and let someone in…thus, sex will be amazing…Every. Single. Time. Right? Yea, no…nothing is that cut and dry; or is it?

Let’s push ourselves a little deeper here. We are all different, so what works for your friend may not work for you. You’ve got to figure out what would constitute a better you. I challenge you to stand naked in front of a mirror: hair down, no makeup; no adornments whatsoever. For this is when you are at your most vulnerable and this is how you should be when you are with your lover. The only thing between your beating hearts and unquenchable desire should be your skin. With that in mind you need to be comfortable in that skin. Therefore, I challenge you to look that woman in her eyes as ask, “Do I love you?” Whether the answer is yes or no follow through with the whys.

Why do you love yourself?

Better You Better SexAnd no stock answers! Explain, in detail: why do you love yourself. Is it your hair? Your eyes? Is it your witty sense of humor? Perhaps you’re consistently punctual. Whatever those things are that you adore about you, say them; say them out loud and make sure that they are heard. Concentrate on the physical, the emotional, and the mental and for this part of the exercise keep it all positive. Be as enthralled with yourself as you would be with your lover. Scan your body with your eyes first and then follow up with your hands. FYI this is OK to do and take it as far as you want to take it. Regardless to what your parents said, or your religious leader said, or what the kid next door who you played doctor with in the 2nd grade said…there’s nothing nasty or unclean about this. It’s your body! Touch where you want to touch, look where you want to look. Identify with your desires. I am challenging you to be in love and familiar with who you are and who you see in the mirror.

Why don’t you love yourself?

Again, no stock answers! Explain, in detail: why don’t you love yourself. Hold your own gaze in the mirror and ask this question. I say hold your own gaze because it is much harder to face the negatives. It is far harder to face what we dislike about ourselves because this opens the door to insecurities and doubts. This is also the home of fear and typically pain is around the corner. What is it that you don’t like? What is it that you might change, if you could? You can’t be taller, so stop that. And if you have a couple of hundred thousand on hand in the bank then you can make arrangements for the breast, butt, and facelift you are thinking about. But remember that this exercise is not just relegated to the physical. Maybe you are quick tempered? Hate your job? Hate that you never finished that degree or project? The point here is to identify the negatives, whether you have physical dislikes or just general things in life that are displeasing the point is to establish the beginnings of change. If you don’t like something, make small steps to invoke a change.

Seeing the real you:

Once you can see your wonders you can accentuate them. Taking pride in your positives is taking pride in yourself and once you do that, you’ve achieved sexy status. Sexy is inside of you and it is a state of mind way more than it is what you are wearing, what your makeup looks like, or anything else. Contrariwise once you can see your negatives clearly, you can decide what you would like to do about them. The power to change anything you don’t like is inside of you. Once you make something a positive, you’ve gained control over that thing. Be strong enough for and open to change, be strong enough to be happy and sexy.

Face that you are a work in progress:

Even that woman who you perceive as perfection (I say it that way because we all know a woman famous or not who is the epitome of perfection in our eyes. We assume she looks perfect always, but trust me she has to work at it) is a work progress. Be comfortable realizing that although you may have a glaring list of negatives today, there are things that you can change to make them better, and yes, you can do that today. Upset you never achieved that degree? Ok, I get that, but what will being down on that prove? Make an appointment to speak with someone from a college and start figuring out how to get on track. Realize that change isn’t instant but once instituted it can be permanent and it can make all the difference. Be committed to working towards change; being a work in progress is far sexier than being miserable.

With positives shining and negatives under control the real you can shine…bright like a precious gem stone (copyright, copyright) and you will feel better.  There will no longer be a need for walls. You will find yourself open to acceptance mentally, emotionally, and physically. You will feel like smiling broadly at that person who’s been catching your eye. You’ll feel great about that second date, the third, fourth, and fifth.  When you hear the person that you are dating say that you are brilliant, gorgeous, dare I say…hot; you’ll smile. When they hold you close and whisper things to you that make you close your eyes and cause you to whimper in anticipation, you’ll smile. When you walk down the street head up and hand in hand with them, you’ll smile. You’ll smile not just because of them, but because you’ll see the real you, and love you, please believe me when I say that then and only then will you be free to have the most amazing sex of your life.

Identity Magazine is all about empowering women to get all A’s in the game of life — Accept. Appreciate. Achieve.TM Every contributor and expert answer the Identity 5 questions in keeping with our theme. As a team, we hope to inspire and motivate ourselves and inspire you to get all A’s.

What have you accepted in your life that took time, physically or mentally?
In order to make something happen, I have to make something happen. Change doesn’t happen because I want it to, I have to start somewhere and I start with me, I accept that.

What do you appreciate about yourself and within your life?
I appreciate that I know sexy is in me, no one can take that from me, or give it to me. It’s my choice to see myself as sexy and I appreciate that control.

What is one of your most rewarding achievements in life? What goals do you still have?
Learning about my own desires and taking the steps to fulfill them without judging myself. I strive to continue that path even though it is not as easy or as fun as one may perceive.

What is your not-so-perfect way? What imperfections and quirks create your Identity?
I recognize that there are two sides to me. They make me quirky, irritable, fun, and creative, and sometimes deeply contemplative. I am not an easy person to get and it makes me the perfect me, in a very not so perfect way.

How would you complete the phrase “I Love My…?”
…strength to know what I desire and willingness to give into it.

About the author

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Cassia L. Rainne

Cassia L Rainne is a recent MFAW graduate from Goddard College living, teaching, and writing in the northeast. She graduated from Penn State University with a bachelor's in psychology. Currently, she is working in higher education as both an Adjunct English Literature Instructor and as an academic advisor. She's been an editor, a guest lecturer, and spent 4 years as a radio show host. She is also an actress, director and a producer. Being a self proclaimed foodie, avid shopper and traveler, she fills her free time with home cooked meals and accessorizing both home and abroad. When she isn't doing any of the aforementioned, she is standing in tree pose focusing on what's next.


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