How is your sexual desire? Are you too exhausted from a busy life and a busy mind, or lacking interest for other reasons? Below, Susan Lee Miller provides some insight to enhance our sexual desire.
The conversation around female sexual desire is a complex one, yet the big drug companies are certain that eventually they will produce a small pill that when taken will render us women completely aroused and ready to put on the thigh high boots, leather mini skirt, and gyrate our hips and dance to Justin Timberlakes’s “Get Your Sexy On.” Trust me, if it were that easy I’d stick out my tongue and gladly swallow the pill.
Western medicine treats symptoms and body parts not the whole person. The truth is we don’t know the entire picture when is comes to female libido. There are so many variables that it’s hard to pick one that is the root cause, and increasing blood flow to our genitals is not going to answer the question of why we lose our desire for sexual intimacy at certain points in our lives; in mind, body, heart and spirit.
According to sexual anthropologist Dr. Bella Ellwood-Clayton in her book Sex Drive, “Women are collectively not in the mood because inside our cerebral cortex, where arousal originates, there is a to-do list that is never-ending. And, just when it looks like you’ve nailed all the tasks, another lot file in, obliterating any thought of sex.”
Would a pill really help with women’s never ending laundry list of people to be nurtured and tasks to be tended to?
I’m one of those women whose desire for sex has waxed and waned during my life. While I was raising children I was so tired at the end of the day that all I craved was a moment of alone time. I needed to breath, ground myself and be still. I felt that sex was just another activity in which I had to DO something for somebody.
At this point in time, I’m divorced and in a relationship, but there are times when I’m not in the mood. I’m stressed out from trying to fit everything in which never happens anyway. As an entrepreneur I don’t work 9 to 5, but I’m constantly at work in my head. Throw in the hormonal imbalance from menopause and I can be one fatigued woman who just wants to crash on the sofa.
So here’s what I do know about keeping desire alive.
I love sex and being sexually intimate with my partner. I love the connection, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Orgasm helps me feel good as it releases oxytocin, boosts the immune system and gives me pleasure. I have since learned how to BE during sex and that saying YES to my pleasure is empowering.
I don’t want to miss out on that. So, what is the answer.
Desire takes work as does my relationship. I must set an intention for sex. Make a date with my partner; create a ritual, engage my senses. I’m not suggesting that it’s easy, but to me it’s as important as eating healthy foods, working out and any other self care.
We need to make sexual intimacy intentional. We need to decide we want to “Just Do It! As Ellwood-Clayton states; “It may be time to redirect some of the creative, dedicated energy we give our children, our dinner tables, and our workplaces to the sensuality of our marriages and partnerships.”
Identity Magazine is all about empowering women to get all A’s in the game of life — Accept. Appreciate. Achieve.TM Every contributor and expert answer the Identity 5 questions in keeping with our theme. As a team, we hope to inspire and motivate ourselves and inspire you to get all A’s.
What have you accepted in your life that took time, physically or mentally?
I have accepted myself. I know that I’m flawed and have my quirks and I haven’t always been the best friend, wife, mother, daughter. I’m using all those experiences to evolve and transform into the best Susan I can be in any given moment.
What do you appreciate about yourself and within your life?
I appreciate my strength in getting through the really tough times with grace. I reach out when I need help and look within to gain clarity. I also allow myself to cry. I’ve survived raising two children — and that is probably the toughest job you will ever have.
What is one of your most rewarding achievements in life? What goals do you still have?
I’ve helped many people heal themselves through the art of touch and compassion. My goal now is to work with women in feeling self confident and empowered to say YES to their own pleasure and to live a vibrant life.
What is your not-so-perfect way? What imperfections and quirks create your Identity?
Well I’m an introvert by nature so I need to push myself out the proverbial “door,” at times. I have a quirky sense of humor, some might consider it dark at times. For me, it’s been my greatest friend and has gotten my through the tough times. I have moments when I just need to be by myself.
How would you complete the phrase “I Love My…?”
I love my ability to laugh at my self, act silly and to have FUN!
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