This weekend, Fatherâ€™s Day brings back so many memories and to be frank, sad and painful ones.
Iâ€™m still working to love and appreciate Fatherâ€™s Day weekend. After all, Rob, my husband is a FANTASTIC father and I get to honor my late Dad by re-reading my â€œacceptance/goodbyeâ€ letter to him.
But, something you may not know and Iâ€™m compelled to share.
6 years ago on Fathers Day, I had a miscarriage.Â And while I know and understand itâ€™s an unfortunate experience so many women go through, I bet each of us think to ourselves, â€œmine was worse, I feel worse, etc.â€.
Thereâ€™s no comparison, itâ€™s such a horrible experience and for me I carried shame and blame because I â€œKINDAâ€ knew I was pregnant on my wedding day.Â
I thought my body was all out of whack because of the wedding stress and losing weight. However, I decided to take a pregnancy test anyway.
I took 1 test.
Positive. ( jaw-dropping, not happy, even more stressed, then felt guilty )
I then purchased another testâ€¦. and it came back negative.Â ( thatâ€™s odd, I thought.)
It was 2 days before our big day. I mean, come onâ€¦ our BIG DAY!Â Should be good news, maybe, kind ofâ€”right? Not really. We made the decision to enjoy our wedding and honeymoon, and then we would visit the doctors office when we returned.
So, we had a blast at our wedding; I drank, danced, and stayed up all night.
Then it was honeymoon time.
I BARELY drank on our vacation because I just didnâ€™t feel right and we werenâ€™t 100% sure if I was pregnant or not.Â Â I mean 1 test positive, 1 test negative.
A week plus went by and we were having a blast on our road trip honeymoon.
We were on the Queen Mary for our last night and something wasnâ€™t right. I couldnâ€™t sleep at all and having the absolute most excruciating pain Iâ€™ve ever experienced. I thought I had possible food poison because I had never had food poison and what else could it be, so I thought.
Nope. that morning, Rob was out getting coffee and my body â€œbroke downâ€. It was a mess on a boat and I was alone. At this point with what was happening I knew it.Â It was so much pain, my goodness sooo much pain on so many levels. I wouldn’t wish this on ANYBODY.
I couldnâ€™t walk, I wouldnâ€™t stop bleeding.
We tried to move as quick as possible off the ship to get to the hospital and I passed out from losing so much blood.
All of this on Fatherâ€™s Day.
We didnâ€™t call anybody, we didnâ€™t tell anybody for awhile.
For the one main reason of not ruining our Fatherâ€™s Big day. We called our parents LATE after the hospital and I was all drugged up because we had a FLIGHT to catch. The doctors didn’t want to release me, but we wanted to get home.
Can you imagine having to fly? We left the hospital and had to DRIVE back to Vegas to fly home. I swear I thought â€œwhat did I do so bad to deserve this?â€Â Was it because I chose to be irresponsible and drink on my wedding day?
I had so many thoughts going through my head and thinking about my VERY new husband and this happening to him on Fatherâ€™s Day.
What a horrible memory.
It took awhile to feel normal, until the Universe/God/Higher Power, blessed me…
We literally got pregnant again, really soon after what I just went through so we were scared because no, we weren’t trying to get pregnant, I guess I was just fertile, LOL.
Well, we were blessed with twins!
I thought, maybe I didnâ€™t do anything wrong, maybe it was just a very unfortunate experience that made us stronger right off the bat as newlyweds.Â I can kind of live with that…
But what I do know nowâ€”The Universe doesn’t punish us. It may provide experiences we don’t wish for, and it’s up to us to stay alert and aware of the lessons, the growth and try again or do better, be stronger every experience and lesson we receive.
Iâ€™m taking care off my mind and body day in and day out, Iâ€™m blessed to have my twins and my husband. Iâ€™m blessed that we healed, we will never forget, but we healed.
I remember telling my Dad and he criedâ€¦.but then we had the chance to tell him we were pregnant with twins and he cried and expressed such happiness.
I honestly remember seeing this look on his face of pure joy for us.Â Something my Dad didnâ€™t show me too often because he was always yelling at me to slow down or turn the lights off. LOL — Gosh, I miss him so much.
Ugh, I have a puddle of tears as I release this and canâ€™t believe Iâ€™m sharing, but itâ€™s time and if it helps you or a friend of yours, then it’s worth sharing.
Feel free to share if you feel it may help another woman or couple heal OR help them to not feel alone in an unfortunate experience like this. Â
Thank you for reading, listening and for the opportunity to release.Â xoxo, Sue
Identity Magazine is all about guiding women to discover their powersÂ of Self-Acceptance,Â Appreciation, and PersonalÂ Achievement.Â We ask that every contributor and expert answerÂ Â the Identity 5 questions in keeping with our theme. Their answers can be random and in the moment or they can be aligned with theÂ current article they have written.Â In that way, and as a team, we hope toÂ encourageÂ and motivateÂ each other, thus inspiringÂ you to Get All A’s.
1. What have you accepted within your life, physically and/or mentally?Â Additionally, what are youÂ still working on accepting? Now, weâ€™re not talking about resignation, rather stepping into, embraced, and owned.
I’ve accepted this horrible experience, released my shame and blame.Â I’m mentally and physically the healthiest I’ve ever been.Â
2. What have you learned to appreciate about yourself and/or within your life, physically and mentally?Â On the other handÂ OR in contrast,Â are there elements of who you are that youâ€™re still working onÂ appreciating?
I appreciate my family and friends for their constant love and support. I appreciate my compassionate husband and I appreciate the life, my twins and the life we have as a family of four.
3. What is one of your most rewarding achievements in life? Tell usÂ not onlyÂ what makes YOU most proudÂ but alsoÂ share theÂ goals and dreams that you still have.
I’m proud of truly working to be the best version of me, mom and wife day in and day out 🙂
4.Â Of course, weÂ all have imperfections,Â orÂ so we think.Â In truth,Â we are all perfectly imperfect. What are your not-so-perfect ways?Â Likewise,Â what imperfections and quirks create who you areâ€”your Identity?
Soooo many….some would say I share too much, but I believe it’s part of the plan the Universe has for me to give back to others.
5. â€œI Love Myâ€¦â€ is an outlet for you toÂ appreciate and expressÂ all the positive traits that make youâ€¦wellâ€¦YOU!Â In fact, sharingÂ what you love about yourself will make you smile, feel empowered, and uplift your spirit and soul. (We assure you!)Â Therefore,Â Identity challenges you to complete the phrase â€œI Love Myâ€¦?â€
I love my ability to share, be vulnuerable, release and to love, heal.Â