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I Had So Many Dreams

I Had So Many Dreams
Written by Aya Radwan

We all deserve to be the best version of ourselves

I guess I ought to confess, there were so many things that I wanted, dreams that once played in front of my eyes and I wished so bad for them to come true. I so much wanted to prove everyone wrong.

Everyone who once treated me as disposable, everyone who once thought I deserve to be left, treated badly, got my dreams broken and hopes shattered.

What goes around comes around

I wanted them all to bite their nails in envy, to feel sorry for themselves, to regret how they treated me. I know without a doubt that what goes around comes around so what they did to me will definitely be returned to them one day.

May be, or to finish the confession, I wanted to be the one who took back my revenge from them. I wanted to see the look in their eyes as they saw me realizing all those dreams without them.

So I have to say this is similar to gloating, not even close to the intention of getting back at them!

Looking at all this I reckon that none of the dreams I observed through these glasses came true, not a single one! Only the independent dreams, the ones that were about Aya, the ones that came from her heart, the ones that weren’t contaminated by foreign hands. Those are the dreams that came true.

With my focus on the lost dreams, the ones I thought would get me accepted, I lost the joy and happiness of the dreams I once believed will change my life forever.
I gave them this power over me and thought that I would get all I wanted this way. I will get my revenge!

What have I gained?

It’s true that they say you have to do that which they said you won’t be able to do. Prove them wrong and all that! But why give someone or anyone this sort of power or hold over your life like that?

On another note, that dream which you ought to prove them wrong about is one that should come from your heart. You must not change your life goal, stray from the path you once drew for yourself, to go and try to beat someone in a game you never wanted to play and don’t know how to!

Don’t change your game

Don’t change your game, the game you’re excellent at for the sake of people who treated you as an accessory.

I believe without an ounce of doubt that my writing is the only thing I have springing out of my heart. The one thing that screams “AYA!” And the peak of my past successes was when I wrote to pour my heart and mind out about whatever I carried within them.

At times I wrote the silliest of thoughts but with so much feeling and conviction that it didn’t matter. When I dropped that, wrote to impress or catch attention, the drive died when I was let down time after time.

I deserve

I, Aya, deserve to be the reason I write, with the life I have and the endless inspiration sources I’m surrounded by. There’s so much to be grateful for and so much to write about.
This is my passion and what I am so fortunately good at!

Be certain that we all deserve to be the best version of ourselves, and we cannot achieve that if we are too busy working our souls off trying to impress people who don’t care about us!

Let go of those expectations, write down your passions in life, goals and dreams and use that to block this stream of negativity around you!

Identity Magazine is all about guiding women to discover their powers of Self-Acceptance, Appreciation, and Personal Achievement. We ask that every contributor and expert answer the Identity 5 questions in keeping with our theme. Their answers can be random and in the moment or they can be aligned with the current article they have written. In that way, and as a team, we hope to encourage and motivate each other, thus inspiring you to Get All A’s.

1. What have you accepted within your life, physically and/or mentally? Additionally, what are you still working on accepting? Now, we’re not talking about resignation, rather stepping into, embraced, and owned.

It’s okay to gain weight! Yes, I’ve gained a lot of weight during the past three years. It took me a lot of time to both recognize and understand why it happened and it wasn’t until my health got weaker that I decided to accept this new version of me before I could be able to change it! I wouldn’t change how I feel now that I’m back on track for anything in the world.

2. Appreciation is everything. What have you learned to appreciate about yourself and/or within your life, physically and mentally? On the other hand OR in contrast, are there elements of who you are that you’re still working on appreciating?

Being alone! As time goes by I learn to appreciate more the time I have with myself. It seems to be getting lesser and lesser but if I could get 5 minutes alone away from everything and everyone, I should use that time wisely to do something for myself even if it was just taking deep breaths telling myself not to lose it!

3. Share with us one of your most rewarding achievements in life? Tell us not only what makes YOU most proud but also share the goals and dreams that you still have.

I never stop trying. Never! One of my all-time life goals is to be a published writer. Even though I’ve had my share of rejections, especially from publishing houses that claim to be dedicated to young writers, I refuse to be defeated and have written down those houses’ names and promised myself that one day they will publish my work and I’ll be proud of it!

4. Of course, we all have imperfections, or so we think. In truth, we are all perfectly imperfect. What are your not-so-perfect ways? Likewise, what imperfections and quirks create who you are—your Identity?

Not meaning to sound bad but whenever my friends are going through a rough patch, such as this week for instance, I find myself having to isolate myself from them all at once and that is best done by taking a day off work. I recognize my need to recharge my soul before going back there into the world and trying to spread some light into it.

5. “I Love My…” is an outlet for you to appreciate and express all the positive traits that make you…well…YOU! In fact, sharing what you love about yourself will make you smile, feel empowered, and uplift your spirit and soul. (We assure you!) Therefore, Identity challenges you to complete the phrase “I Love My…?”

I love that I can be immersed in something and so deeply in thought but when someone requests my attention that I can space out of my world. On the other hand, I love the fact that I can space out wherever I am and take a moment like a time-out out of this world and be in one of my own where everything is possible.

I Love My ability to see happiness even in the smallest of things. I’ve been through times that a tiny spark of joy would brighten my entire day and the little things became even more meaningful than the big ones.

 

Photo by Danica Tanjutco on Unsplash

About the author

Aya Radwan

Aya Radwan, 25, Masters' in legal studies, Writers' Bureau Student, no amount of books is enough, loves laughter, reading in the dark, chivalrous, struggling optimist and writing since age of six. Egyptian public sector employee, avid listener who has her most creative ideas right before sleeping.

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